The Wisdom of the Enneagram

Metadata

• Title: The Wisdom of the Enneagram
• Author: Russ Hudson and Don Richard Riso
• Book URL: https://amazon.com/dp/B07T1VBR7C?tag=malvaonlin-20
• Open in Kindle: kindle://book/?action=open&asin=B07T1VBR7C
• Last Updated on: Wednesday, August 16, 2023

Highlights & Notes

We have been taught that the quality of our life will improve primarily if our external fortunes improve. Sooner or later, however, we realize that external things, while valuable in themselves, cannot address the deep restlessness of our soul.

“There’s a part of every living thing that wants to become itself, the tadpole into the frog, the chrysalis into the butterfly, a damaged human being into a whole one. That is spirituality.” ELLEN BASS

“It seems to me that before we set out on a journey to find reality, to find God, before we can act, before we can have any relationship with another… it is essential that we begin to understand ourselves first.” KRISHNAMURTI

“Whatever your age, your upbringing, or your education, what you are made of is mostly unused potential.” GEORGE LEONARD

The main filter that we use to understand ourselves and the world around us, to express ourselves, to defend ourselves, to deal with our past and anticipate our future, to learn with, to rejoice with, and to fall in love with, is our personality type.

“Spiritually speaking, everything that one wants, aspires to, and needs is ever-present, accessible here and now—for those with eyes to see.” SURYA DAS

If we observe ourselves truthfully and nonjudgmentally, seeing the mechanisms of our personality in action, we can wake up, and our lives can be a miraculous unfolding of beauty and joy.

As a first exercise in your Inner Work Journal, we suggest you write a biography of yourself—not an autobiography. Write about yourself in third person—that is, as “he” or “she” rather than “I.” Tell your life story, beginning from your earliest years (or earlier, from what you know of your family history) up to the present time as if you were describing someone else. You may also wish to dedicate a page in your Inner Work Journal to each decade, leaving room to add relevant thoughts and observations as you recall more. Do not worry about being literary or “correct.” The important thing is to see your life as a whole, as if told by someone else. What have been the defining moments of your life—your traumas and triumphs—those times when you knew that, for better or worse, your life would never be the same? Who have been the most significant people in your life—those who have acted as “witnesses” to your struggles and growth, those who have hurt you, and those who have been your understanding mentors and friends? Be as detailed as possible. Come back to your biography whenever you wish to add something and as you move through this book and gain more insight into yourself. Your story will become richer and more meaningful as you understand yourself more deeply.

• Journal - biography

“Do not weep; do not wax indignant. Understand.” SPINOZA

Without self-knowledge, we will not get very far on our spiritual journey, nor will we be able to sustain whatever progress we have made.

“What can we gain by sailing to the moon if we are not able to cross the abyss that separates us from ourselves?” THOMAS MERTON

Presence (awareness, mindfulness), the practice of self-observation (gained from self-knowledge), and understanding what one’s experiences mean (an accurate interpretation provided by a larger context such as a community or spiritual system) are the three basic elements needed for transformational work. Being supplies the first, you supply the second, and the Enneagram supplies the third. When these three come together, things can happen quickly.

When you do discover your type, you will know it. Waves of relief and embarrassment, of elation and chagrin, are likely to sweep over you. Things that you have always known unconsciously about yourself will suddenly become clear, and life patterns will emerge. You can be certain that when this happens, you have identified your personality type correctly.

“If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.” Herman Hesse

“He who knows others is learned. He who knows himself is wise.” LAO TZU

The aim of this Work is to stop the automatic reactions of the personality by bringing awareness to it. Only by bringing insight and clarity to the mechanisms of personality can we awaken—which is why we have written this book. The more we see the mechanical reactions of our personality, the less identified with them we become and the more freedom we have. That is what the Enneagram is all about.

“Learn what you are and be such.” PINDAR

“Take the understanding of the East and the knowledge of the West—and then seek.” GURDJIEFF

6 FEAR This Passion might be more accurately described as Anxiety because anxiety leads us to be afraid of things that are not actually happening now. Sixes walk around in a constant state of apprehension and worry about possible future events.

The heart of the story is clear: each of us is in prison. We have only to awaken to “read” the pattern of the lock that will allow us to escape.

Our personalities are no more than the familiar, conditioned parts of a much wider range of potentials that we all possess. Beyond the limitations of our personalities, each of us exists as a vast, largely unrecognized quality of Being or Presence—what is called our Essence.

“The spirit is the true self, not that physical figure which can be pointed out by your finger.” CICERO

“Spiritual development is a long and arduous journey, an adventure through strange lands full of surprises, joy, beauty, difficulties, and even dangers.” ROBERTO ASSAGIOLI

Remember, the Enneagram does not put us in a box, it shows us the box we are already in—and the way out.

One of the profound lessons of the Enneagram is that psychological integration and spiritual realization are not separate processes. Without spirituality, psychology cannot really free us or lead us to the deepest truths about ourselves, and without psychology, spirituality can lead to grandiosity, delusion, and an attempt to escape from reality.

Thus, in a literal sense, the Enneagram is “the bridge between psychology and spirituality.™”

The core of this sacred psychology is that our basic type reveals the psychological mechanisms by which we forget our true nature—our Divine Essence—the way in which we abandon ourselves.

Each of us therefore has become an “expert” at a particular form of coping which, if used excessively, also becomes the core of the dysfunctional area of our personality.

“Man wishes to be happy even when he so lives as to make happiness impossible.” ST. AUGUSTINE

As the defenses and strategies of our personality become more structured, they cause us to lose contact with our direct experience of ourselves, our Essence. The personality becomes the source of our identity rather than contact with our Being. Our sense of ourselves is based increasingly on internal images, memories, and learned behaviors rather than on the spontaneous expression of our true nature. This loss of contact with our Essence causes deep anxiety, taking the form of one of the nine Passions. Once in place, these Passions, which are usually unconscious and invisible to us, begin to drive the personality.

“…the neurotic process…is a problem of the self. It is a process of abandoning the real self for an idealized one; of trying to actualize this pseudoself instead of our given human potentials.” KAREN HORNEY

As spiritual teachers through the ages have pointed out, we have fallen asleep to ourselves and to our own lives. Most of the day we walk around preoccupied by ideas, anxieties, worries, and mental pictures. Seldom are we present to ourselves and to our immediate experience. As we begin to work on ourselves, however, we begin to see that our attention has been taken or “magnetized” by the preoccupations and features of our personality, and that we are actually sleepwalking through much of life.

“The greatest happiness is to know the source of unhappiness.” DOSTOYEVSKY

Thus one of the most transformational insights that the Enneagram can provide is the realization that we are not our personality.

When we stop identifying with our personality and stop defending it, a miracle happens: our Essential nature spontaneously arises and transforms us.

Learning how to stay relaxed and present under everyday pressures can make our lives easier.

As we become less identified with our personality, it becomes a smaller part of the totality of who we are. The personality still exists, but there is a more active intelligence, a sensitivity, and a Presence underlying it that uses the personality as a vehicle rather than being driven by it. As we identify more with our Essence, we see that we do not lose our identity—we actually find it.

“Whenever a man awakes, he awakes from the false assumption that he has always been awake, and therefore the master of his thoughts, feelings, and actions.” HENRI TRACOL

“The very things we wish to avoid, neglect, and flee from turn out to be the ‘prima materia’ from which all real growth comes.” ANDREW HARVEY

“All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why.” JAMES THURBER

Although some of us received many of the following messages, one message tends to be central to each type. Which messages particularly affect you?   Type One: “It’s not okay to make mistakes.” Type Two: “It’s not okay to have your own needs.” Type Three: “It’s not okay to have your own feelings and identity.” Type Four: “It’s not okay to be too functional or too happy.” Type Five: “It’s not okay to be comfortable in the world.” Type Six: “It’s not okay to trust yourself.” Type Seven: “It’s not okay to depend on anyone for anything.” Type Eight: “It’s not okay to be vulnerable or to trust anyone.” Type Nine: “It’s not okay to assert yourself.”

THE BASIC FEARS OF THE TYPES   1 Fear of being bad, corrupt, evil, or defective 2 Fear of being unworthy of being loved 3 Fear of being worthless or without inherent value 4 Fear of being without identity or personal significance 5 Fear of being useless, incapable, or incompetent 6 Fear of being without support or guidance 7 Fear of being deprived or trapped in pain 8 Fear of being harmed or controlled by others 9 Fear of loss of connection, of fragmentation

To compensate for the Basic Fear, a Basic Desire arises. The Basic Desire is the way that we defend against our Basic Fear in order to continue to function. The Basic Desire is what we believe will make us okay; it is as if we said to ourselves, “If I had X (love, security, peace, and so forth), everything would be great.” We might also call the Basic Desire the ego agenda, because it tells us what the ego self is always striving after.

“We do not succeed in changing things according to our desire, but gradually our desire changes.” PROUST

defeating. For example, the Basic Desire of the Six is to find security. As we will see, Sixes can seek security until they ultimately ruin everything in their lives, including, ironically, their security. In a similar way, every type is capable of becoming self-destructive by misguidedly and excessively pursuing its Basic Desire. We keep chasing after the same thing, using the same strategies, even though they are not giving us the results that we want.

Thus, we might say that the whole of our personality structure is composed of our flight from our Basic Fear and our single-minded pursuit of our Basic Desire. The entire feeling-tone of our personality emerges out of this dynamic, and it becomes the foundation for our sense of self.

BASIC DESIRES AND THEIR DISTORTIONS   1 The desire to have integrity (deteriorates into critical perfectionism) 2 The desire to be loved (deteriorates into the need to be needed) 3 The desire to be valuable (deteriorates into chasing after success) 4 The desire to be oneself (deteriorates into self-indulgence) 5 The desire to be competent (deteriorates into useless specialization) 6 The desire to be secure (deteriorates into an attachment to beliefs) 7 The desire to be happy (deteriorates into frenetic escapism) 8 The desire to protect oneself (deteriorates into constant fighting) 9 The desire to be at peace (deteriorates into stubborn neglectfulness)

Psychology suggests that much of our ability to function as well-integrated, mature adults is determined by how well our specific developmental needs were met in our early childhoods. Those needs that were not adequately met can be thought of as “gaps” that interfere with our ability to experience our Essential wholeness. Spiritual tradition further suggests that our personality has been formed to compensate for these gaps in our development. Our personality is like a cast that protects a broken arm or leg. The more extreme the original injuries, the more extensive the cast has to be. Of course, the cast is necessary so that the limb can heal and regain its full functioning. But if we never take the cast off, it severely limits the use of the limb and makes further growth impossible. Some…

Seen as a temporary cast, the personality is a highly useful, utterly necessary aid because it has developed most powerfully around the areas of our soul’s greatest wounding. It has become strongest where we are weakest. Thus, not only has personality helped us to survive psychologically, it…

But because most of our personality is no more than a collection of conditioned reactions, fears, and beliefs and is not our true Self, our identification with it results in a profound self-abandonment. The experience of our identity has shifted from our true nature to the shell of defenses that we have had to develop. As long as we believe that “My personality is me,” we will stay identified with our personality. One of the main reasons that we resist changing is that the movement back to our Essence always entails feeling the pain of our self-abandonment. When…

“We are all serving a life-sentence in the dungeon of self.…

That is why it is important to cultivate compassion for ourselves: we have to love ourselves enough to know that we are worth the effort to get to know ourselves as we really are. We have to love ourselves enough to know that even if we become anxious or depressed, we will not abandon ourselves again. When we are willing to experience the truth of how we have been and how we are now, and when we are willing to let…

Type One: “You are good.” Type Two: “You are wanted.” Type Three: “You are loved for yourself.” Type Four: “You are seen for who you are.” Type Five: “Your needs are not a problem.” Type Six: “You are safe.” Type Seven: “You will be taken care of.” Type Eight: “You will not be betrayed.” Type Nine: “Your presence matters.”

No matter what our past, we can take heart that even the most traumatic childhood experiences cannot damage or destroy our Essence.

If we come from a highly dysfunctional family, this structure will be extremely rigid and restricting. If we come from a more functional family, the personality structure will be lighter and more flexible.

Those who have come from highly dysfunctional families can take heart in knowing that the Essential self within us is completely intact and always looking for ways to manifest itself. Initially, we may have to spend a great deal of time and effort working on the gaps in our development, but the core of our Being is always there to support us. Again, no matter how painful our early experiences were, our Essence cannot be harmed. Our Essence is waiting for the opportunity to reveal itself. In a very true sense, we are waiting for the opportunity to become ourselves. Our spirit is yearning to break free, to express itself, to come back to life, to be in the world in the way that it was meant to be. And yet, ironically, we always fear and resist opening to that which is most real in us. When we trust in the process and give ourselves over to it, however, our true nature comes forth. The result is real integrity, love, authenticity, creativity, understanding, guidance, joy, power, and serenity—all of the qualities we are forever demanding that personality supply.

If we want to benefit from this map of the soul, we must cultivate the art of awareness, learning to be more awake to our lives in each moment without judgment and without excuse. We must learn to “catch ourselves in the act” of behaving according to the dictates of our personality, seeing how we are manifesting mechanically and unfreely from moment to moment. When we are able to notice what we are doing now, to experience our current state completely and without judgment, the old patterns will begin to fall away.

Awareness is vitally important in the work of transformation because the habits of our personality let go most completely when we see them as they are occurring. Analyzing past behavior is helpful, but it is not as powerful as observing ourselves as we are in the present moment.

It is a major breakthrough when we fully appreciate the extent to which we entrust our lives to the mechanisms of our personalities and what peril we are in when we do so. Many times it is as if a three-year-old were making many crucial life decisions for us. Once we understand the nature of our personality’s mechanisms, we begin to have a choice about identifying with them or not. If we are not aware of them, clearly no choice is possible.

“The Bible says that a deep sleep fell upon Adam, and nowhere is there a reference to his waking up.” A Course in Miracles

Waking up from the trance of personality occurs in much the same way. We do a kind of double take, asking ourselves, “What was that all about? Where was I a moment ago?” We can be surprised at how lost we were, although in those previous states we did not feel lost. If someone had asked us if we were fully present and awake, we would have said yes, but from this new perspective we can see that we were not. We may realize that entire sections of our lives have actually been spent in “sleep.”

It may be easier to define awareness by what it is not than by what it is. For instance, we can say that awareness is not thinking, not feeling, not moving, not intuition, and not instinct—even though it can contain any one or all of these things.

Even the most active, focused thinking is not the same thing as awareness.

“Each thought, each action in the sunlight of awareness, becomes sacred.” THICH NHAT HANH

When we relax and allow awareness to expand, we become less caught up in whatever has magnetized our attention. If we have been fearful or anxious or lost in daydreams and fantasies, we will gain objectivity and perspective about what we are doing. As a result, we will suffer less.

Our expanded awareness enables us to bring more of ourselves and thus more resources to bear on whatever problems or difficulties we may be facing. We will see fresh solutions instead of reacting habitually, according to the mechanisms of our personality.

Expanded awareness opens us to a real relationship with others and with the world around us. We are nourished and enriched by the pleasure and wonder of each moment. Even what we would ordinarily regard as unpleasant experiences have a very different quality when we experience them with awareness.

One of the most important skills we must acquire as we embark on the inward journey is the ability to “observe and let go” of the habits and mechanisms of our personality that have trapped us.

Unlike what our ego may believe, it is not our role to repair or transform ourselves. Indeed, one of the major obstacles to transformation is the idea that we can “fix” ourselves. This notion, of course, raises some interesting questions. What in us do we believe needs fixing, and what part of us is claiming the authority to be able to fix another part? What parts are the judge, the jury, and the defendant in the dock? What are the tools of punishment or rehabilitation, and what parts of us will wield them on what other parts?

“We do not have to improve ourselves; we just have to let go of what blocks our heart.” JACK KORNFIEID

We are programmed from early childhood to believe that we need to be better, to try harder, and to discount parts of ourselves that other parts do not approve of. The whole of our culture and education constantly reminds us of how we can be more successful, desirable, secure, or spiritual if we were only to change in some way or other. In short, we have learned that we need to be different from how we actually are according to some formula the mind has received. The idea that we simply need to discover and accept who we actually are is contrary to almost everything we have been taught.

“Through our senses the world appears. Through our reactions we create delusions. Without reactions the world becomes clear.” BUDDHA

Always remember that it is your birthright and natural state to be wise and noble, loving and generous, to esteem yourself and others, to be creative and constantly renewing yourself to be engaged in the world in awe and in depth, to have courage and to rely on yourself to be joyous and effortlessly accomplished, to be strong and effective, to enjoy peace of mind and to be present to the unfolding mystery of your life.

SPIRITUAL JUMP STARTS   No matter what type you are, there are specific things you can do to “jump start” your spiritual and personal growth. All of the following are type-specific problem areas, but everyone gets caught up in them from time to time. So, if you want to move forward in your inner work, bring your awareness, as fully as possible, to the following patterns:   Value-judging, condemning yourself and others (One)   Giving your value away to others (Two)   Trying to be other than you authentically are (Three)   Making negative comparisons (Four)   Over-interpreting your experience (Five)   Becoming dependent on something outside yourself for support (Six)   Anticipating what you are going to do next (Seven)   Trying to force or control your life (Eight)   Resisting being affected by your experiences (Nine)

“Identification … is a form of escape from the self.” KRISHNAMURTI

“Very few men, properly speaking, live at present, but are providing to live another time.” JONATHAN SWIFT

Awareness expands and contracts like a balloon, but identification always causes it to become smaller. We might notice that when we are identified with something, our awareness of our immediate surroundings is greatly diminished. We are less aware of other people, of our environment, and of our own inner state. Simply put, the more identified we are, the more contracted our awareness is—and the more out of touch with reality we are.

CONTINUUM OF AWARENESS   For this exercise you will need a watch or a clock and, if possible, a tape recorder. Find a place where you can sit comfortably and observe the room or location you are in. For five minutes, follow your attention as best you can, naming whatever you are paying attention to. For example, you might say, “I am noticing the way the light hits that wall. I am noticing that I am wondering why I looked at the wall. I am noticing that I am tensing my right shoulder. I am noticing that I feel nervous,” and so forth. You may wish to record your observations, or you may wish to do this exercise with a partner. Even if you do the exercise without a recording or a partner, see if you can discern any patterns in the movement of your awareness. Do you focus more on your thoughts? On the environment? On your sensations? On your feelings and reactions? Do certain themes emerge?

Over time our identification with a certain set of qualities (such as strength, empathy, peacefulness, or spontaneity, to name just a few) becomes fixed, and our type’s characteristic sense of self is established. The feelings and states that comprise our sense of self are those we think are necessary for achieving our Basic Desire. The more we identify with our sense of self, the more we become locked into it, and the more we forget that other choices and other modes of being are available to us. We start to believe that we are this pattern. We focus on only certain qualities from the total range of our human potentials as if saying, “These qualities are me, but those are not. I am this way, but not that way.” Thus we develop a self-image, a self-definition—a predictable personality type.

The process of growth entails an ongoing cycling among letting go of old blockages, opening up to new possibilities in ourselves, and then encountering deeper levels of blockage. Although we might wish that spiritual growth would be more linear and that it could be accomplished in one or two major breakthroughs, the reality is that it is a process that we must go through many times on many different fronts until our whole psyche is reorganized.

“If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?” RUMI

It took many years to build up our ego defenses, so we cannot expect to dismantle them overnight. Our soul has its own wisdom, and it will not allow us to see anything about ourselves (much less release it) until we are truly ready to do so.

On yet a deeper level, we are afraid to stay present and to really show up in our lives because we are terrified that we will relive all of our childhood wounds. If we dare to unveil our true nature, it might not be seen or loved. It might be rejected or humiliated; it might make us feel vulnerable or cause others to fear or betray us. We fear that others will abandon us. We fear that the preciousness of our souls will be disregarded or harmed again. And yet when we actually show up more fully, we experience immense space, peace, and a quiet aliveness. We discover that we are solid, immensely alive, and connected with the world around us. There is no reason not to live this way, except for the reasons that our personality gives us—biased, self-interested reasons, to be sure.

“If you would only switch on the light of awareness and observe yourself and everything around you throughout the day, if you would see yourself reflected in the mirror of awareness the way you see your face reflected in a looking glass, that is, accurately, clearly, exactly as it is without the slightest distortion or addition, and if you observed this reflection without any judgment or condemnation, you would experience all sorts of marvelous changes coming about in you. Only you will not be in control of those changes, or be able to plan them in advance, or decide how and when they are to take place. It is this nonjudgmental awareness alone that heals and changes and makes one grow. But in its own way and at its own time.” ANTHONY DEMELLO, The Way to Love

To help us know when we are awake, there are three characteristics we can look for:   1. We fully experience our Presence as a living being, here and now. We know that there is someone here; we feel our substantiality, our “is-ness,” and, as a result, we are grounded in the moment. Moreover, this occurs not because we are picturing ourselves from some outside viewpoint, but because we are “inside” our experience, fully connected with the sensations of life in our bodies, from the top of our heads to the bottoms of our feet. There is no feeling of resistance to the reality of the moment. 2. We take in the impressions of our internal and external environments completely and without judgment or emotional reaction. We are able to observe the many thoughts and feelings that pass through our awareness without becoming attached to any of them. We interact with life from an inner quiet and stillness rather than from anxieties and inner franticness. Our attention is on what is occurring now, not dreaming of the past or anticipating the future or fantasizing about something else. 3. We are fully participating in the moment, allowing ourselves to be touched by the impressions around us and to fully taste and experience the richness and subtlety of our life. We are utterly sincere and without artifice or self-consciousness. In each moment, we experience our identity as something entirely new and fresh. We are always looking for a formula, a rule, or a prayer that will turn the trick for us. But there is no substitute for Presence. Without Presence, none of the prayers, meditations, teachers, and techniques in the world can transform us. This is why we can spend many years observing the practices of our religion and still not be able to consistently embody the beliefs that we hold. We can have extraordinary experiences and moments of being free from the shackles of our personality, but sooner or later—and usually much sooner than we would like—we return to our old ways. This is because we do not understand the vital importance of Presence: it is not, and cannot be, part of our personality or its agenda.

“Spirit is always present, just as the sun is always shining above the clouds.” DAN MILLMAN

Invitation 6 To have faith in yourself and trust in the goodness of life. Remember that it is your true nature to be courageous and capable of dealing with life under all conditions.

Types Eight, Nine, and One comprise the Instinctive Triad; types Two, Three, and Four make up the Feeling Triad; and types Five, Six, and Seven are the Thinking Triad.

The Instinctive Triad Types Eight, Nine, and One are concerned with maintaining resistance to reality (creating boundaries for the self that are based on physical tensions). These types tend to have problems with aggression and repression. Underneath their ego defenses they carry a great deal of rage.

The Feeling Triad Types Two, Three, and Four are concerned with self-image (attachment to the false or assumed self of personality). They believe that the stories about themselves and their assumed qualities are their actual identity. Underneath their ego defenses these types carry a great deal of shame.

The Thinking Triad Types Five, Six, and Seven are concerned with anxiety (they experience a lack of support and guidance). They engage in behaviors that they believe will enhance their safety and security. Underneath their ego defenses these types carry a great deal of fear.

The body plays a crucial role in all forms of genuine spiritual work, because bringing awareness back to the body anchors the quality of Presence. The reason is fairly obvious: while our minds and feelings can wander to the past or the future, our body can only exist here and now, in the present moment. This is one of the fundamental reasons why virtually all meaningful spiritual work begins with coming back to the body and becoming more grounded in it.

“All spiritual interests are supported by animal life.” GEORGE SANTAYANA

Moreover, the instincts of the body are the most powerful energies that we have to work with. Any real transformation must involve them, and any work that ignores them is almost certain to create problems. The body has an amazing intelligence and sensitivity, and it also has its own language and its own way of knowing.

When we truly inhabit our Instinctive Center—fully occupying our body—it gives us a profound sense of fullness, stability, and autonomy or independence. When we lose contact with our Essence, the personality attempts to “fill in” by providing a false sense of autonomy.

The truth is that we are always carrying around a felt sense of self that has little to do with how our body actually is, where it is positioned, or what we are doing. The set of internal tensions that create our unconscious sense of self is the foundation of the personality, the first layer.

“When you are describing or explaining or even just inwardly feeling your ‘self,’ what you are actually doing, whether you know it or not, is drawing a mental line or boundary across the whole field of your experience, and everything on the inside of that boundary you are feeling or calling your ‘self’ while everything outside that boundary you feel to be ‘not-self.’ Your self-identity, in other words, depends entirely upon where you draw that boundary line …” KEN WILBER

To put this differently, all three of these types resist being influenced by reality in different ways. They try to create a sense of wholeness and autonomy by building a “wall” between what they consider self and not self, although where these walls are varies from type to type and from person to person.

Our ego boundaries fall into two categories. The first boundary is directed outward. It usually corresponds to our physical body, although not always. When we cut our fingernails or hair, or have a tooth extracted, we no longer regard them as part of ourselves. Conversely, we may subconsciously regard certain people or possessions as part of ourselves—our home, our spouse, or children—although, of course, they are not.

The second boundary is directed inward. For example, we say that we “had a dream,” but we do not think that we are the dream. Some of our thoughts or feelings will also be seen as separate from our identity, while we definitely identify with others. Of course, different people will identify with different feelings and thoughts. One person may experience anger as part of the self while another will view anger as something alien. In all cases, however, it is important to remember that these divisions are arbitrary and are the results of habits of the mind.

At the deepest level, your heart qualities are the source of your identity. When your heart opens, you know who you are, and that “who you are” has nothing to do with what people think of you and nothing to do with your past history. You have a particular quality, a flavor, something that is unique and intimately you. It is through the heart that we recognize and appreciate our true nature.

When we are in contact with the heart, we feel loved and valued. Moreover, as the great spiritual traditions teach, the heart reveals that we are love and value. Our share in the Divine nature means not only that we are loved by God, but that the presence of love resides in us—we are the conduit through which love comes into the world. When our hearts are closed off and blocked, however, not only do we lose contact with our true identity, but we do not feel valued or loved. This loss is intolerable, so the personality steps in to create a substitute identity and to find other things to give us a sense of value, usually by seeking attention and external affirmation from others.

THE FEELING CENTER   Right now, as you are reading these words on this page, turn your attention to the area of your heart. Take some deep, easy breaths, and actually sense into your chest. What sensations do you experience in this area? Allow yourself to relax and breathe deeply and see what you are feeling in the area of your heart. Does it feel sharp? Tender? Numb? Aching? What is the exact feeling you are experiencing? If this feeling…

Thus, the three types of the Feeling Triad are primarily concerned with the development of a self-image. They compensate for a lack of deeper connection with the Essential qualities of the heart by erecting a false identity and becoming identified with it. They then present this image to others (as well as to themselves)…

“All we need to do is to give up our habit of regarding as real that which is unreal. All religious practices are meant solely to help us do this. When we stop regarding the unreal as real, then reality…

In psychological terms, Twos, Threes, and Fours are the types most concerned with their “narcissistic wounding,” that is, with not being valued for who they really were as children. Because no one graduates from childhood without some degree of narcissistic damage, as adults, we have a lot of difficulty being authentic with one another. There is always the fear that, when all is said and done, we are really empty and worthless. The tragic result is that we almost never actually see each other or allow ourselves to be seen, no matter what type we are. We substitute an image instead, as if we were saying to the world, “This is who I am—isn’t it? You like it—don’t you?” People may affirm us (that is, our image), but as long as we identify with our personality, something deeper always goes unaffirmed. The types of the Feeling Triad present us with three different solutions to this dilemma: going out to please others so that they will like you (Type Two);…

When our authentic, Essential qualities are not mirrored in early childhood, we come to the conclusion that something is wrong with us. The resulting feeling is shame. By attempting to feel valuable by means of their self-image, these types hope to escape feelings of shame. Twos become ultra-good, trying to be caring and of service to others so that they will not feel shame. Threes become perfect in their performance and outstanding in their achievements so they will be able to resist feeling shame. Fours avoid deeper feelings of shame by dramatizing their losses and hurts and by seeing themselves as victims.

If the Instinctive Triad is about maintaining a felt sense of self and the Feeling Triad is about maintaining a personal identity, the Thinking Triad is about finding a sense of inner guidance and support. The dominant feelings in types Five, Six, and Seven are anxiety and insecurity. To put it another way, the Instinctive Triad types are concerned with resisting aspects of the present. The Feeling Triad types are all past-oriented because our self-image is built up out of memories and interpretations of the past. The Thinking Triad types are more concerned about the future, as if to ask, “What’s going to happen to me? How am I going to survive? How can I prepare myself to keep bad things from happening? How do I move forward in life? How do I cope?”   CONCERNED WITH: Strategies & Beliefs   HAVE ISSUES WITH: Insecurity &C Anxiety   SEEKS: Security   UNDERLYING FEELING: FEAR

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“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that’s waiting for us.” JOSEPH CAMPBELL

THE THINKING CENTER   Right now, allow yourself to relax and get in greater contact with the sensations and impressions you are having. Actually sense what it feels like to be alive in your body at this time. Don’t visualize—let yourself experience whatever is here. As you become more grounded and calm, you may begin to notice your mind becoming less “noisy.” Continue this process for a few minutes. Stay in contact with your immediate sensations and impressions, and see what effect this has on your thinking. As your mind becomes quieter, are your perceptions clearer or fuzzier? Does your mind seem sharper or duller?

Fives, Sixes, and Sevens cannot get their minds to simmer down. This is a problem because the quiet mind allows us to feel profoundly supported; inner knowing and guidance arise in the quiet mind and give us confidence to act in the world. When these qualities are blocked, we feel fear. Their reactions to fear distinguish the three types of the Thinking Triad.

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In Type Six, the central type of this Triad (the type positioned on the equilateral triangle), attention and energy are directed both inward and outward. Sixes feel anxious inside, and so launch into external action and anticipation of the future like Sevens. But having done so, they eventually become afraid that they will make mistakes and be punished or overwhelmed by demands on them, so like Fives, they “jump back inside.” They get scared by their feelings again, and the reactive cycle continues, with anxiety causing their attention to bounce around like a Ping-Pong ball.

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The types of this Triad represent the three ways children might attempt to negotiate the separation phase and overcome dependency. Sixes look for somebody like a father-figure, someone who is strong, trustworthy, and authoritative. Thus, Sixes deal with the loss of inner guidance by seeking guidance from others. They are looking for support to become independent, although ironically they tend to become dependent on the very person or system they use to find independence.

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Fives are convinced that support is unavailable or not reliable, so they attempt to compensate for the loss of inner guidance by mentally figuring everything out on their own. But because they are “going it alone,” they believe they must reduce their need for and attachment to anyone if they are going to break away and be independent. Sevens try to break away by pursuing substitutes for their mother’s nurturing. They go after whatever they believe will make them feel more satisfied and secure. At the same time, they respond to the lack of guidance by trying everything—as if by the process of elimination, they could discover the source of nurturance they are secretly looking for.

The compliants (Horney’s “moving toward people”) include types One, Two, and Six. These three types share a need to be of service to other people. They are the advocates, crusaders, public servants, and committed workers. All three respond to difficulty and stress by consulting with their superego to find out what is the right thing to do, asking themselves, “How can I meet the demands of what others expect of me? How can I be a responsible person?”

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It is important to understand that the compliant types are not necessarily compliant to other people; they are, however, highly compliant to the demands of their superegos. These three types try to obey the internalized rules, principles, and dictates that they have learned from childhood. As a result, they often become authority figures themselves—especially Sixes and Ones. (Twos can sometimes also be authority figures, although more often by trying to be the “good parent” or a trusted adviser to others.)

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Sixes are more troubled by inferiority feelings than Ones or Twos, but they get a sense of “better than” through their affiliations and social identifications. (“I’m a Democrat, and we are better than Republicans!” “I live in New York, which is a better city than Los Angeles.” “Nobody’s better than my team, the 49ers!”)

Fives withdraw into a complex and cerebral Inner Tinker Toy. In common language, they all can “zone out” and go into their imaginations very easily. These types have problems with staying in their physicality and with getting out of their imaginations and into action.

The types in the Instinctive Triad most wanted autonomy: they sought independence, the ability to assert their own will and direct their own life. The types in the Feeling Triad most wanted attention: to be seen and validated by their parents. Lastly, the types in the Thinking Triad most wanted security: to know that their environment was safe and stable.

The Hornevian Groups tell us the strategy each type employs to get its needs met. The assertive types (Three, Seven, and Eight) insist or demand that they get what they want. Their approach is active and direct as they go after what they believe they need.

The compliant types (One, Two, and Six) all attempt to earn something by placating their superego to get what they want. They do their best to be “good boys and girls” to get their needs met. The withdrawn types (Four, Five, and Nine) all withdraw to get what they want. They disengage from others to deal with their needs.

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In the Thinking Triad, the Five withdraws for security (“I will be safe if I stay away from others”), the Six tries to earn security (“I will be safe if I do what is expected of me”), and the Seven demands security (“I am going after whatever I need to feel secure”).

• This happens to me so much. Important.

In other words, the Harmonic Groups tell us how we cope with conflict and difficulty: how we respond when we do not get what we want.

The Positive Outlook Group is composed of types Nine, Two, and Seven. All three respond to conflict and difficulty by adopting, as much as possible, a “positive attitude,” reframing disappointment in some positive way. They want to emphasize the uplifting aspects of life and to look at the bright side of things. These types are morale-builders who enjoy helping other people feel good because they want to stay feeling good themselves (“I don’t have a problem).

The Competency Group is composed of types Three, One, and Five. These people have learned to deal with difficulty by putting aside their personal feelings and striving to be objective, effective, and competent. They put their subjective needs and feelings on the back burner; they try to solve problems logically and expect others to do the same.

The Reactive Group is composed of types Six, Four, and Eight. These types react emotionally to conflicts and problems and have difficulties knowing how much to trust other people: “I need you to know how I feel about this.” When problems arise, these types look for an emotional response from others that mirrors their concern. In conflicts, the reactive types want the other person to match their emotional state. “This is really bothering me! It should bother you, too!” The types in this group have strong likes and dislikes. If there is a problem, others are going to hear about it. In conflicts, they need to deal with their feelings first, and usually once they are able to do so, things can blow over fairly quickly and permanently. If they are not able to vent their feelings, however, these types can become increasingly resentful and vindictive.

The Reactive Group types also have difficulty balancing their need for independence and self-determination with their need to be nurtured and supported by others. They simultaneously trust and distrust others: to accept the support and affection of others is a deep desire for these types, but to do so feels like losing control of themselves and of their circumstances. They fear being betrayed and need feedback from people in order to know where others stand toward them. They are either looking for advice and direction (“parenting”) or defying it (rebelling). Subconsciously, Fours want to be parented, whereas Eights want to play the role of parent and provider. Sixes want it both ways, sometimes being the parent, sometimes being parented by someone else.

Both independence and support. They want someone to rely on, but they also need to be “the strong one.” Being abandoned and without support, but also becoming too dependent on others. Being committed and reliable while trying to maintain their independence; they are engaging but also defensive.

HARMONIC GROUPS AT A GLANCE   The Positive Outlook Group: Deny that they have any problems   Nine: “What problem? I don’t think there is a problem.” Two: “You have a problem. I am here to help you.” Seven: “There may be a problem, but I’m fine.”   The Competency Group: Cut off feelings and solve problems logically   Three: “There’s an efficient solution to this—we just need to get to work.” One: “I’m sure we can solve this like sensible, mature adults.” Five: “There are a number of hidden issues here: let me think about this.”   The Reactive Group: React strongly and need response from others   Six: “I feel really pressured, and I’ve got to let off some steam!” Four: “I feel really hurt, and I need to express myself.” Eight: “I’m angry about this and you’re going to hear about it!”

The Instinctual Variants indicate which of our three basic instincts have been most distorted in childhood, resulting in characteristic preoccupations and behaviors throughout the entire range of the personality type.

The Instinctual Variants are based on three primary instincts that motivate human behavior: the Self-Preservation Instinct, the Social Instinct, and the Sexual Instinct. Thus, each Enneagram type has three variations based on the three possible dominant instincts. For example, a Six could be a Self-Preservation Six, a Social Six, or a Sexual Six, and each of these Sixes would have a noticeably different set of concerns.

A person can therefore be described as a combination of a basic type, a wing, and a dominant Instinctual Variant—for example, a Self-Preservation One with a Two-wing, or a Sexual Eight with a Nine-wing.

Most people can easily identify this Instinctual Variant. Self-Preservation types are preoccupied with getting and maintaining physical safety and comfort, which often translates into concerns about food, clothing, money, housing, and physical health. These issues are their main priority, and in pursuing them, other areas of their lives may suffer.

The Social instinct, however, is actually something much more fundamental. It is a powerful desire, found in all human beings, to be liked, approved of, and to feel safe with others.

People who have a dominant Social instinct are preoccupied with being accepted and necessary in their world. They are concerned with maintaining the sense of value they get from participating in activities with others, be they family, group, community, national, or global activities. Social types like to feel involved, and they enjoy interacting with others for common purposes.

Social types focus on interacting with people in ways that will build their personal value, their sense of accomplishment, and their security of place with others.

The Levels of Development offer a way of observing and measuring our degree of identification with our personality structures. Further, they make crucial distinctions between the types possible, and within each type, they add the “vertical” dimension to an otherwise “horizontal” categorical system.

While our type seems to be mainly inborn, the result of hereditary and prenatal factors including genetic patterning, our early childhood environment is the major factor in determining at which Level of Development we function.

This is because each Level represents an increasing layer of fear and defense. It is important to remember, however, that all of these fears and defenses arose in childhood and are carried into our adult life by automatic habits and unexamined belief systems.

As we spiral down the Levels, however, our freedom is increasingly constricted. We become so identified with our personality mechanisms that we are entirely driven by them, resulting in more suffering for ourselves and others. We become more and more out of touch with reality, with our capacity to make balanced assessments of our situation, and with our ability to stop the avalanche of our ego compulsions. And if we should deteriorate into the unhealthy range, we have almost no freedom of choice whatsoever. Perhaps the only freedom we have in the lower Levels is the ability to choose to go on in the same destructive patterns or to reach out for help—to say either no or yes to life.

Therefore, perhaps the first real step we can take on our inner journey is to accurately identify not only our type, but the range of Levels we normally traverse and, importantly, where our center of gravity currently is. The Enneagram will do us no good if we delude ourselves into thinking we are healthier than we actually are.

On the other hand, having serenity and vitality and engagement with the real world—as opposed to our illusions and delusions—in the midst of difficulties are signs of spiritual growth. When we are centered and grounded, connected with ourselves and our Essential Being, we experience a quiet joy that is palpably different from being in a good mood. Thus, at their most profound, the Levels are really a measure of how connected or disconnected we are with our true nature.

5 By staying preoccupied—and by detaching emotionally from others 6 By complaining—and by testing others’ commitment to them

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“He who cannot change the very fabric of his thought will never be able to change reality.” ANWAR SADAT

Fearing that they are helpless, incapable, and incompetent, Fives make others feel helpless, incompetent, stupid, and incapable. 6 Fearing that they are without support or guidance, Sixes undermine the support systems of others, trying to isolate them in some fashion.

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We have discovered a feature of the types that occurs at the bottom of the average range. We call this feature the Leaden Rule, the opposite of the more famous Golden Rule. If the Golden Rule tells us, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” the Leaden Rule states, “Do unto others what you most fear having done unto you.” The Leaden Rule points out that each type has its own special way of aggressively undermining others to bolster its own ego. The false belief is that “If I put someone else down a notch, it will lift me up one.” Thus, each type begins to inflict its own Basic Fear on others. For instance, if Eights fear being harmed or controlled by others, they start threatening people with harm and control. (“You better do it my way, or else I’m going to make you sorry. If I get angry, you know what’s going to happen!”) They become intimidating, belligerent, and extremely confrontational.

That they are never going to find a place in the world or with people 6 That their own actions have harmed their security

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“Look into the depths of your own soul and learn to know yourself, then you will understand why this illness was bound to come upon you and perhaps you will thenceforth avoid falling ill.” FREUD

The second reason people move into the unhealthy range is that unhealthy patterns were established in childhood. People regress to earlier, more primitive behavior when conditions become too challenging for them. People who have been extremely abused and hurt (emotionally, mentally, sexually, or physically) as children have had to build huge defenses to protect themselves. Under these conditions, they were never able to learn healthy coping skills and are highly vulnerable to slipping back into destructive patterns.

When we become unhealthy, we lose touch with our true nature; to an increasing degree, we lose touch with reality. We become caught in a maze of reactions and illusions, out of control, and we cannot see solutions to our intensifying fears and conflicts—nor to any practical problems we face. We can only react more intensely and put more pressure on the environment to solve our problems for us. We become so completely identified with the limited mechanisms of our personality that other solutions do not occur to us; or even if they do, we realize that we cannot act on them without extraordinary help. Of course, we do not will ourselves to be unhealthy, but we collapse into these states through ignorance and because the earlier circumstances of our lives did not show us healthier ways of coping with our problems.

While we cannot undo the history of our childhood and we cannot prevent catastrophes from occurring, we can develop our internal resources so that problems do not destroy us. We can also shorten our recovery time when troubles occur. Our transformational work can eventually produce great serenity, acceptance, nonreactiveness, compassion, and an expanded perspective about our lives.

“We have to become somebody before we can become nobody.” JACK ENGLER

To stay healthy, however, requires the intention to be healthy—and this requires the intention to be present and awake. This means that we must use the tools and practices available to us to cultivate awareness. As our awareness strengthens, we can become conscious of another “shock point” between the healthy and average ranges (between Levels 3 and 4) that can be activated by the Wake-up Call that we have already seen. Just as there is a profound shift between the unhealthy and average ranges, there is another between the average and healthy ranges. We can pass through this “shock point” in either direction, falling into the average and unhealthy ranges through crises or life circumstances, or ascending the Levels by consciously working through the issues involved.

Simply stated, liberation happens to the degree that we no longer identify with our ego. Aspects of it may well still exist, but they are no longer the center of our identity. However, the ego must be restored to its natural balance and functioning before real and lasting liberation can be achieved. At this stage, the person has let go of a particular self-image and worked through his or her Basic Fear and has expanded his or her awareness to act rightly on the Basic Desire. All of these processes take balance, wisdom, courage, fortitude, and enough psychological integrity to withstand the anxiety involved in the dissolution of the ego identity.

Everything we need for our transformation, everything we require to be complete human beings, is available to us in our Essential nature and always has been.

THE DIRECTIONS OF INTEGRATION AND DISINTEGRATION   The Directions of Integration and Disintegration help us recognize whether we are progressing or regressing in our development. Integration gives us objective markers of our growth. Disintegration shows us how we act out under stress, what our unconscious motivations and behaviors are, and, paradoxically, what qualities we most need to integrate.

Dutiful Sixes suddenly become competitive and arrogant at Three.

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The following principle operates in all of the types: whatever is repressed by a type is acted out under pressure in ways indicated by the type’s Direction of Disintegration.

ACTING OUT   What is the difference between feeling an emotion and acting it out? If we feel angry, we can act it out by throwing a tantrum or we can resist the tendency and sit quietly with whatever we feel, noting the sensations that anger causes in our bodies. When we do this, we have the opportunity to see on a deeper level what our feelings are about. This does not mean that we are suppressing our feelings. On the contrary, it means that we will actually feel them instead of letting them lead us into compulsive behavior. As an Inner Work task, when you next catch yourself acting out in your Direction of Disintegration, try to stop yourself from continuing to do so, even if you have already begun it. Stop in the middle of a sentence, if necessary, and sense your body. Check in with yourself to see how not acting out feels, and where the energy is in your body. See what happens to the energy as you experience it directly rather than discharging it. How long can you do so? Notice any “stories” you may be telling yourself about the situation. What happens if you continue to act out? Observe yourself without judging yourself, either for your success or for your failure to do the task.

When we are on the path of integration, we are saying to ourselves, “I want to show up in my life more fully. I want to let go of my old stories and habits. I am willing to be with the truth of whatever I learn about myself. No matter what I feel, and no matter what I find, I want to be free and really alive.”

As we learn to become more present, the positive qualities of the type in our Direction of Integration naturally begin to arise. When this happens, the limitations of the average range of our own type become painfully apparent. This gives us more incentive to stay with our practice and to recognize when we are slipping into the automatic compulsions of our type. Thus, we could say that the Direction of Integration represents the antidote to the fixated states of our type.

The Security Point   There are specific restricted circumstances in which we can exhibit behaviors from the average Levels of the type in our Direction of Integration. As a rule of thumb, we tend to act out the average behaviors in the Direction of Integration when we feel sure of where we stand in a situation. When we feel secure in the strength of our relationship with another person, we may try out behaviors that would be too risky with someone we did not know as well. For this reason, we call this phenomenon the security point.

Avaricious, detached Fives become more self-confident and decisive, like healthy Eights. 6 Fearful, pessimistic Sixes become more relaxed and optimistic, like healthy Nines.

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“Awareness is curative.” SURYA DAS

We must always remember that the personality cannot solve the problems of the personality, and until our Essence is deeply felt and is guiding our activities, the personality can do little except to “not do” its old tricks.

The process of integration is not about what we “should” do—it is a process of consciously letting go of aspects of our type that block us. When we stop holding on to defenses, attitudes, and fears, we experience an organic unfolding and balancing as natural as the blossoming of a flower. A tree does not have to do anything to go from a bud to a flower to a fruit: it is an organic, natural process, and the soul wants to unfold in the same way. The Enneagram describes this organic process in each type. The type in the Direction of Integration gives us clues about when this is taking place and helps us understand and activate this process more easily.

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ALBERT EINSTEIN

When we fully see, understand, and experience all the self-defeating blockages that have covered our Essential qualities, they fall away like dead leaves from a growing plant, and the fullness of our soul emerges naturally. Our soul, with all of the magnificent gifts that we see in the healthy range, is already here. Only our deeply ingrained belief in and attachment to the defenses of our personality—the resistance, self-image, and fear-based strategies of our type—prevent us from showing up and claiming our birthright.

“I have learned through bitter experience the one supreme lesson: to conserve my anger, and as heat conserved is transmuted into energy, even so our anger controlled can be transmuted into a power which can move the world.” —MOHANDAS K. GANDHI   “The unawakened mind tends to make war against the way things are.” —JACK KORNFIELD   “We shall never have friends, if we expect to find them without fault.” —THOMAS FULLER   “The real advantage which truth has, consists in this, that when an opinion is true, it may be extinguished once, twice, or many times, but in the course of ages there will generally be found persons to rediscover it.” —JOHN STUART MILL

Ones are actually activists who are searching for an acceptable rationale for what they feel they must do. They are people of instinct and passion who use convictions and judgments to control and direct themselves and their actions.

In effect, the child says, “I will give myself guidelines. I will become my own father-figure and be my own moral guide. I will police myself so no one else will police me; I will punish myself so no one else will punish me.” Ones try to surpass what is expected of them by adhering to the rules so rigorously that no one will be able to catch them in error, thus earning independence.

Anger, in itself, is not a bad thing. It is what arises naturally when there is something around us that we do not like or want in our lives. Anger is a way of resisting an attack on our integrity, whether physical, moral, or spiritual. Anger, when fully experienced (and not acted out, repressed, or “swallowed”), is instantaneous and short-lived. When we allow our anger without resisting it, it usually arises like a wave and passes through us within a minute. When we resist anger or hang on to it (for other strategic reasons of our ego), it perpetuates itself in increasing obsessive thinking, emotional constriction, and physical tension. Even when these thinking patterns have run their course, the anger remains stored in the body, locked in muscular tension and habitual behaviors such as pacing, nail biting, and teeth grinding. Ones can grow enormously by learning to feel their anger without attempting to suppress it or justify it. Talking openly about their anger with significant others can be very healing for Ones and a positive step in learning to process their resentments.

DISAPPOINTMENT   Notice how many times a day you are disappointed with yourself or others. Use your Inner Work Journal to keep track of this for a few days. What standards are you measuring everything against? Question and examine the nature of these standards and their effect on you and the people in your life.

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Sixes prefer working within established parameters and often resent surprises or disruptions of the “system” as they have understood it.

UNATTAINABLE STANDARDS   When you find yourself becoming frantic about some goal you have set, stop and ask yourself what is really at stake. Is the level of frustration you are experiencing commensurate with the problem you are dealing with? Especially notice your own self-talk. What are you saying to yourself? Whom are you trying to appease?

As an exercise, take up a position that is the opposite of your usual view and find a way to argue it convincingly. For instance, if you find most network television programming appalling, see if you can come up with a convincing thesis declaring the virtues of network television. After you can do this, you may try more challenging topics about which you have stronger views: morality, sexuality, religion, and so forth. At the very least, you will understand the other person’s point of view better, leading to more compassion and tolerance. It may be difficult at first, but you will eventually find it extremely enjoyable, and this little game can do much to free you from your superego.

“A day spent judging another is a painful day. A day spent judging yourself is a painful day.” BUDDHA

Judgment is one of the most powerful ways that human beings draw boundaries and cut themselves off from direct contact with their experience. When we judge ourselves, we create a state of internal war. Like war, judging is very expensive in the energy, time, and effort it consumes. Rather than expand us or liberate us, our judgments exhaust us and limit us. The Essential self exercises discernment, notes differences, and makes decisions about what to do; by contrast, ego-based judgment always carries a certain negative emotional charge. Its primary function is not to discern but to create distance (or a boundary). The hallmark of judgment (rather than Essential knowing) is that it is divisive.

THE RUNNING COMMENTARY   In your Inner Work Journal, write down all of the judgments (good or bad) that you have made about other people in the last three hours or so. If you have just gotten up in the morning, write down all of the judgments you have made about others since arising. Did you make judgments about people you heard on the radio, or on television, or saw in your home, apartment building, or on the street going to work? Now do the same about yourself. How have you judged yourself in the last three hours? Is there a common theme to your judgments?

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“Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order.” ANN WILSON SCHAEF

“Wisdom is not just about moral behavior, but about the ‘center,’ the place from which moral perception and moral behavior flow.” MARCUS BORG

What Ones are actually seeking is not judgment but the quality of discernment. Discernment is noticing that things have different qualities. Judgment, however, includes an emotional reaction that actually interferes with discernment. It is one thing to say that the carpet is a different color from the wall. It is another thing to say that one is better, more important, or more righteous than the other. In other words, a witness and a judge are not the same thing. Discernment requires us to be a witness.

Wisdom allows us to see reality exactly as it is, not as we wish it to be. Wisdom does not ignore right or wrong or deny that there are better or worse choices that a person might have made. Rather, wisdom looks at the choices that have been made, at the situation in which we find ourselves now, and considers the best possible thing to do. Wisdom always sees what is truly necessary and for the best—although it can only arise in the present moment and spring forth from an absence of preconceived values, opinions, and judgments. Even if we have created some kind of hell for ourselves, wisdom can show us a way out—if we are willing to suspend judgment about what we “should” do, or how we “must” respond. Only if we are not obsessed with being right will we be able to find true righteousness—which is, after all, finding true balance.

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” CARL ROGERS

Acceptance does not reduce our capacity to discern or to choose wise actions; rather, it increases that capacity infinitely.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

In the state of integrity, all the parts of the whole have seamlessly come together to create something more than the sum of the parts. We feel a deep peace and acceptance of life that gives us the ability to know exactly what is required in each situation and in each moment. We know exactly how much energy is required to accomplish a task, whether it is cleaning a window or sharing an insight. We move and act in life with a certain effortlessness—while accomplishing far more than we can with our bodies locked in tension. We are empowered by the direct knowledge that we are part of the perfect unfolding of something far beyond anything in our ego consciousness.

“Love is the admiration and cherishing of the amiable qualities of the beloved person, upon the condition of yourself being the object of their action.” —SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE   “We cannot love ourselves unless we love others, and we cannot love others unless we love ourselves. But a selfish love of ourselves makes us incapable of loving others.” —THOMAS MERTON   “For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.” —RAINER MARIA RILKE   “To love a thing means wanting it to live.” —CONFUCIUS

This orientation creates a major problem for Twos, however. To fully identify with the role of nurturer and to maintain the positive feelings that this role creates for them, Twos must deeply repress their own needs, hurts, and self-doubt. Once this repression occurs, Twos have increasing difficulty acknowledging their own needs and pain and are drawn automatically to the needs and pain they see in others. On a deep psychological level, Twos are trying to fix in others the hurts they are unable to fully acknowledge in themselves.

Given this inner dynamic, Twos learn to deal with their negative feelings by focusing on others, trying hard to please and help them. However, the more dysfunctional their background, the more they will expect rejection, and the more desperate they will be to elicit a positive response. Ultimately, they will do almost anything to get some sign, some token, that they are loved.

They attempt to impress people by dispensing advice—be it spiritual, financial, or medical—but also by name-dropping. The latter often gets them into trouble, because their desire to let others know that they are friends with important people often leads them to be indiscreet and to reveal confidences.

WINNING PEOPLE OVER   In your Inner Work Journal, devote a page to making notes about your own forms of people-pleasing. Do you tend to flatter others in order to attempt to get them to like you? Do you give money or do special favors? How do you call attention to what you do for others, no matter how subtle you think you are being? Do you find yourself denying, or justifying, your own degree of people-pleasing? Is it something you are proud of or ashamed of? How would you react if others called you on it? How do you feel as you consider these things? How do you feel when the tables are turned and others are flattering or attempting to please you?

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When the ego attempts to see itself as the source of love and value in others’ lives, the result is pride,

For all types, pride is an expression of the unwillingness to acknowledge our own hurt and to ask for help; it is the unwillingness to admit to the severity of our own suffering, emptiness, and need.

RECOGNIZING LOVE   In your Inner Work Journal, explore the question, “How do I know that I am loved?” What counts for love in your life? Whose love are you looking for? What are the signs that this person(s) is giving you love? How do you know, or how would you know that you are loved?

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This puts others in the role of the “needy child” and enshrines the Two in the place of a strong and capable parent. Rescuing people this way can rob them of the opportunity to solve their own problems and to build dignity and self-esteem.

RECOGNIZING NEEDS   Whenever you find yourself needing to do something for someone, stop your activities, quiet yourself, and from your heart, ask what you need at this time.

FINDING GOOD BOUNDARIES   When you involve yourself with someone, make explicit with the person what you want or expect from him or her. Notice when you get involved with people who you perceive as needing you in some way. Learn to avoid falling in love with fixer-uppers. (“He’s really cute, and he’s honest because he told me he’s a drug addict who beat up his last girlfriend. But if I just love him enough …”) It is good to help people, but only if we are doing so without expectations about what they may do for us in the future.

GIVING RELATIONSHIPS ROOM TO GROW   In your Inner Work Journal, explore the ways in which you have been possessive of your family and friends. In what ways have you found it difficult to let them go? How have you tried to hold on to people? Do you see the action of jealousy in your relationships? When in childhood did you begin to be aware of this emotion, and how did you deal with it then? Did someone in your childhood attempt to manipulate you through the use of jealousy or possessiveness? How does it make you feel when someone is being possessive of you?

TAKING CARE OF YOU, TOO   Learn to listen to your body—especially around matters of rest. Notice when you are eating for emotional reasons rather than because you are hungry. Give yourself the kind of care you would insist on for someone you love.

Your pride is a compensation for something else: an underlying fear of worthlessness, that nobody wants you. Work on your pride by first seeing the many ways in which it subtly manifests itself. You do not have to have “proud thoughts” or an arrogant facial expression to still be in the grip of pride; false humility is as much an expression of pride as trumpeting your own good works. Only real humility and the knowledge that you are loved—in fact, that in your Essential self, you are an expression of love—will dissolve pride.

The gift of their sincere good works speaks more eloquently for them than anything they could say. Thus, Twos are gifted with the extraordinary ability not simply to care about others but to actually do something meaningful for them.

Twos become actualized and remain healthy by learning to recognize and accept all of their feelings without censoring them, like healthy Fours. Because Twos naturally focus on the feelings of others, their empathy can be developed to a heightened sensitivity, like an antenna attuned to the needs, pain, and states of others. It is as if the Two’s own “emotional body” extends to others, picking up subtle changes in their condition. When Twos integrate the qualities of the healthy Four, this sensitivity also extends to their own feelings and inner states.

Real love is not scarce, but our personality does not know this. We put ourselves through all kinds of contortions, either trying to “get love” from others or to “make love happen.” We force ourselves to smile when we are sad, to be generous when we feel empty, and to take care of others when we need to be cared for, as if giving ourselves away one more time might turn the trick. But who could love us in a way that would make all of this effort worthwhile?

The one and only person who can love us deeply, constantly, and under all circumstances is us. Our own Essence is the source of love we seek because it is an expression of Divine love and therefore cannot be conditioned, withheld, or diminished.

We cannot will ourselves to love ourselves or to love others. All we can do, paradoxically, is to recognize the presence of love in ourselves and others. As we have seen, our Essential nature is an outpouring of love—the only problem is that it is blocked by the habits and false beliefs of our personality. What is in our power is to become aware of those blockages so that our essentially loving nature can once again make itself felt and have a healing effect in our lives. The love that we experience under these conditions is real and deep and quiet. It does not draw attention to itself. It is not demanding, nor does it keep accounts. It lasts because it does not depend on the changing conditions of personality. It is full of joy because nothing can disappoint or frustrate it. Real love in action is unstoppable.

CHAPTER 9: Type Three—The Achiever “The toughest thing about success is that you’ve got to keep on being a success.” —IRVING BERLIN   “Most men that do thrive in the world do forget to take pleasure during the time that they’re getting their estate, but reserve that till they have got one, and then it is too late for them to enjoy it.” —SAMUEL PEPYS   “All ambitions are lawful except those which climb upward on the miseries or credulities of mankind.” —JOSEPH CONRAD   “A slave has but one master; an ambitious man has as many masters as there are people who may be useful in bettering his position.” —LA BRUYERE   “Be content to seem what you really are.” —MARTIAL

Unlike Sixes, security comes from money, assets, and a stable home, not from loyalty to a company, ideology, or person.

Most of us think from time to time, “If I could just achieve that—if I just had these credentials, or if I just married this particular person, or if I could go to medical school—then I would know that I am worthwhile, I would have value, and then I would feel okay about myself.”

“Discovering real goodness comes from appreciating very simple experiences. We are not talking about how good it feels to make a million dollars or finally graduate from college or buy a new house, but we are speaking here of the basic goodness of being alive.” CHOGYAM TRUNGPA

WHOSE GOALS? WHOSE SUCCESS?   What does success mean to you? What did it mean to your parents? What does it mean to your peers? Any connections?

WHEN DO YOU GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK?   Identify and write down five areas in your life in which you do not feel compelled to be the best. Identify and write down five areas in your life in which you do feel that you must be the best. Read your two lists and see what you can notice about how they make you feel. What differences in your state can you detect? In your tensions or relaxation? In feeling calm or anxious? Think of five more areas where you could learn to relax and just be you.

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The most significant experience I can recall as a child was of a fight that I witnessed between my older brother—who was about ten at the time—and my mother. My memory is of her, in a rage, yelling and throwing all of his possessions into a heap in the middle of the floor. I do not know if she physically struck him. It doesn’t matter. I was terrified of her and chose then, out of fear, to do or be whatever she told me to do or be. I spent the next thirty years living the results of that moment.

The typical result is that Threes become “achievement machines.” But because their activities do not come from the heart, their performance is increasingly joyless and inauthentic. Despite the fact that Threes usually do things well, they do not find much personal satisfaction in the work itself.

REAWAKENING YOUR HEART   Place your hand on your chest, right over your heart, and take a few deep breaths. Let your attention sense this area of your body. Let it go into this space. What do you experience? Remember that there is no right answer—there is nothing that you are supposed to experience. Whatever you find or do not find is your experience. Stay with whatever sensations you find in your heart “space,” and note how they change over time. Return to this practice at least once a day.

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DRIVING YOURSELF   In your Inner Work Journal, explore the following questions: In what ways do you see yourself as success-driven and competitive? Why do you hold the goals that you are pursuing? Have you ever gotten into projects that you were not really interested in because of the need to excel or compete? What do you think would happen if you “took your foot off the accelerator” a little bit? How do you deal with the fear or anxiety that comes up when you compare yourself to someone else? How do you feel about your competitors? How have you handled or reframed your own failures?

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“Without wearing any mask we are conscious of, we have a special face for each friend.” OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES, SR.

MEETING EXPECTATIONS   What image are you projecting to others right now? to yourself? at the office? to your social friends? to your parents? to your children? to your pets? Are they the same or different? How do you see yourself as opposed to how you believe others see you? In what specific ways is your self-image different, do you think, from the image you project to others? How do you know? Has the disparity gotten you into conflicts with others or caused problems for you in some way?

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ADJUSTING YOURSELF   Notice when you are adjusting yourself to your surroundings. How many times do you do this in a day? Observe the differences between your self-presentations with your friends, your coworkers, your family, and so forth. Notice when certain intonations or rhythms creep into your speech patterns. When you notice these self-adjustments, what effect do they have on your own groundedness? On your connection with your heart? When you adjust yourself, do you feel more or less valuable?

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LETTING OTHERS SEE YOU   Share something vulnerable about yourself with someone you trust. As you do so, focus on the actual feeling of the vulnerability. Is it unpleasant? What is it like? How does it make you feel in relation to the other person? What are you afraid to let them see?

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LETTING PEOPLE DISCOVER YOU   When you are with others in social settings, focus first on their lives and accomplishments. Find out what is interesting about them. Notice how this gives them the opportunity to be curious about you without you needing to impress them up front. Consider that others might like you without you needing to impress them. How does that possibility make you feel?

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Threes, like healthy Sixes, become actualized and remain healthy by learning to commit to others and to goals that transcend their personal interest. This shifts their focus from the need to sustain a self-image to the real desire to support the development of something larger than themselves. Integrating Threes begin to find a sense of real self-esteem in ways they could never have anticipated. Further, as they interact cooperatively with others, both in their careers and in their relationships, they begin to discover the courage and sense of inner guidance of the healthy Six, which enables them to reveal more of their authentic qualities. Communication becomes simple, sincere, and direct—there is no need to dazzle people.

This idea flies in the face of popular culture, which insists that we are valuable only if we have a certain income or certain physical qualities or are of a certain age or professional background. But all of these more superficial understandings of value are substitutes created by the personality that is out of touch with the ground of its Being, the source of all real value.

“Happiness is beneficial for the body, but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind.” —MARCEL PROUST

“It is better to drink of deep griefs than to taste shallow pleasures.” —WILLIAM HAZLITT

“Our imagination and reasoning powers facilitate anxiety; the anxious feeling is precipitated not by an absolute impending threat—such as the worry about an examination, a speech, travel—but rather by the symbolic and often unconscious representations.” —WILLARD GAYLIN   “No man ever quite believes in another man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man.” —H. L. MENCKEN   “A man who doesn’t trust himself can never really trust anyone else.” —CARDINAL DE RETZ   “Only in growth, reform, and change, paradoxically enough, is true security to be found.” —ANNE MORROW LINDBERGH

Sixes are most likely to misidentify themselves as Fours, Eights, or Ones. Twos, Fives, and Ones are most likely to misidentify themselves as Sixes.

PERSONALITY TYPE SIX: THE LOYALIST     BASIC FEAR: Of having no support and guidance, of being unable to survive on their own   BASIC DESIRE: To find security and support   SUPEREGO MESSAGE: “You are good or okay if you do what is expected of you.”

The reason Sixes are so loyal to others is that they do not want to be abandoned and left without support—their Basic Fear. Thus, the central issue for Type Six is a failure of self-confidence. Sixes come to believe that they do not possess the internal resources to handle life’s challenges and vagaries alone and so increasingly rely on structures, allies, beliefs, and supports outside themselves for guidance. If suitable structures do not exist, they will help create and maintain them.

As a result, they do not have confidence in their own minds and judgments. This does not mean that they do not think. On the contrary, they think—and worry—a lot! They also tend to fear making important decisions, although at the same time, they resist having anyone else make decisions for them. They want to avoid being controlled but are also afraid of taking responsibility in a way that might put them in the line of fire. (The old Japanese adage, “The blade of grass that grows too high gets chopped off,” relates to this idea.)

A good question for Sixes might therefore be: “When will I know that I have enough security?” Or to get right to the heart of it, “What is security?” Without Essential inner guidance and the deep sense of support that it brings, Sixes are constantly struggling to find firm ground.

(“If I don’t trust myself, then I have to find something in this world I can trust.”)

Until they can get in touch with their own inner guidance, Sixes are like a Ping-Pong ball that is constantly shuttling back and forth between whatever influence is hitting the hardest in any given moment. Because of this reactivity, no matter what we say about Sixes, the opposite is often also as true. They are both strong and weak, fearful and courageous, trusting and distrusting, defenders and provokers, sweet and sour, aggressive and passive, bullies and weaklings, on the defensive and on the offensive, thinkers and doers, group people and soloists, believers and doubters, cooperative and obstructionistic, tender and mean, generous and petty—and on and on. It is the contradictory picture that is the characteristic “fingerprint” of Sixes, the fact that they are a bundle of opposites.

The biggest problem for Sixes is that they try to build safety in the environment without resolving their own emotional insecurities. When they learn to face their anxieties, however, Sixes understand that although the world is always changing and is by nature uncertain, they can be serene and courageous in any circumstance. And they can attain the greatest gift of all, a sense of peace with themselves despite the uncertainties of life.

Thus, Sixes long for approval and closeness but feel the need to defend against it at the same time. They want to be supported but not overwhelmed.

Many Sixes end up in an uneasy compromise: they offer outward obedience yet retain a feeling of independence through inward rebellion and cynicism, as well as large and small acts of passive-aggression.

THE SELF-PRESERVATION INSTINCT IN THE SIX   Responsibility. In the average range, Self-Preservation Sixes attempt to allay their survival anxieties by working hard to build up security through mutual responsibility. They offer service and commitment with the expectation that it will be reciprocated by others. Although they seek secure partnerships, Self-Preservation Sixes tend to make friends slowly: they observe others over time to see if they are trustworthy and truly “on their side.” They are more domestic than the other variants and are frequently concerned with maintaining the stability of their home life. They often take care of the security needs of the household: bills, taxes, insurance, and the like. Self-Preservation Sixes do not easily disguise their anxiety and neediness. In fact, they may use it to gain allies and supporters—vulnerability can elicit help from others. They tend to fret about small things, which can lead to catastrophic thinking and worst-case scenarios. (“The rent is five days late? We’re going to be evicted for sure!”) Self-Preservation Sixes are usually frugal, and worry a great deal about financial matters. Conflicts with others over resources are common. In the unhealthy range, Self-Preservation Sixes are extremely clingy, dependent, and panicky. They stay in punishing situations—bad marriages or overly stressful jobs—because they are terrified of being without support. They may grasp at relationships with such forceful anxiety that they end up alienating the very people they want to bond with. Paranoia may also drive them to become more aggressive: they exaggerate dangers and strike out at “enemies” to ensure that no one will be able to threaten them. Ironically, this often ends up destroying their own security systems.

Generating Support. In the average range, Social Sixes handle anxiety by looking to friends and allies for reassurance and support. They project friendliness and attempt to create bonds with others, disarming them with warmth and humor. They often make fun of themselves while offering support and affection to others, and they can sometimes be mistaken for Twos. Social Sixes are the most concerned about fitting in. (“There’s safety in numbers.”) They are fairly idealistic, enjoying the feeling of being part of something larger than themselves—a cause or corporation or movement or group—and are willing to make major sacrifices for the security of that affiliation.

Social Sixes can also sometimes resemble Ones in their adherence to protocols and procedures. They look for reassurance through commitments, obligations, and contracts—insurance that their hard work will not be taken advantage of. When they are more insecure, Social Sixes look for places of safety where like-minded individuals help each other out (twelve-step groups).

Although able to make major efforts for others or for their group, Social Sixes can often have difficulty working for their own success or development. Anxiety can lead them to look for consensus before they act or make decisions; anxiety also leads them to reference the potential responses of others in their imagination. Their own indecisiveness bothers them, however, and leads to ambivalence about depending on allies or authorities. They fear losing the support of the group or authority but chafe at the bit. If frustrated, they can develop passive-aggressive issues with authorities and friends. Under stress, they easily feel pressured, overworked, and underappreciated. At such times, they can be negative and pessimistic.

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Level 1: Key Terms: Self-Reliant, Courageous Liberated Sixes let go of the belief that they must rely on someone or something outside themselves for support: they discover their own inner guidance. They also paradoxically achieve their Basic Desire—to find security and support, particularly in their own inner guidance. They then become truly secure with themselves, grounded, serene, and valiant.

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Level 2: Key Terms: Engaging, Reliable Sixes focus on the environment to find support and to alert themselves to dangers. They are friendly, trustworthy, and engaging, seeking to build connection and stability in their world. Self-image: “I am solid, attentive, and dependable.”

Level 3: Key Terms: Committed, Cooperative Sixes reinforce their self-image by responsibly working to create and sustain mutually beneficial systems. They form alliances with others, bringing thrift, hard work, and an attention to details. They are well-disciplined and practical, often foreseeing potential problems before they arise.

Level 4: Key Terms: Dutiful, Loyal Sixes begin to fear that they will lose their independence but also believe they need more support. They invest themselves in the people and organizations that they believe will help them, but are uneasy about it. They seek reassurance and guidance in procedures, rules, authorities, and philosophies.

Level 5: Key Terms: Ambivalent, Defensive Sixes worry that they cannot meet the conflicting demands of their different commitments, so they try to resist having any more pressure put on them without alienating their supporters. They are anxious, pessimistic, and suspicious, leading to greater caution, impulsiveness, and indecision.

Level 6: Key Terms: Authoritarian, Blaming Sixes fear that they are losing the support of their allies, and they are extremely unsure of themselves, so they look for causes for their anxiety. They are embittered, cynical, and reactive, feeling that their good faith has been betrayed. They blame others and get into power struggles.

Level 7: Key Terms: Panicky, Unreliable Sixes fear that their actions have harmed their own security, and this may be true. Their reactive behavior may have caused crises in their lives, so they trust themselves even less. They feel panicky, depressed, and helpless and so look for something to save them from their predicament.

Level 8: Key Terms: Paranoid, Lashing Out Sixes become so insecure and desperate that they begin to believe that others will destroy whatever safety they have left. They harbor paranoid fears and delusional ideas about the world. They rant about their obsessive fears and may strike out at real or imagined enemies. Level 9: Key Terms: Self-Abasing, Self-Destructive The realization that they have committed acts for which they will likely be punished is too much for unhealthy Sixes. Guilt and self-hatred lead them to punish themselves, inviting disgrace and bringing down all that they have achieved. Suicide attempts to elicit rescue are not uncommon.

Average Sixes are frequently worried about the future. Because they have serious doubts about themselves and the world, they start to look for a “sure thing” that will guarantee their security—anything from a marriage to a job to a belief system to a network of friends to a self-help book. Most Sixes have more than one sure thing—just in case. They are the type that believes in saving for a rainy day, and investing for the future, and being loyal to a company in order to ensure their pension.

Simply put, Sixes are seeking assurance and insurance, trying to hedge their bets. They feel that life is fraught with dangers and uncertainties so it must be approached with caution and limited expectations. Sixes have personal wishes and dreams, of course, but they are afraid to take actions that might undermine their security. (“I’d love to be an actor, but you need something to fall back on.”) They become more concerned with establishing and maintaining their safety nets than with pursuing their true goals and aspirations.

They increasingly turn to safe bets, reliable procedures, and tried-and-true methods for solving problems. Doing things the way they have been done before gives Sixes a feeling of weight and solidity. With other people or with tradition behind them, they feel they have the backup they need to move ahead. For instance, Sixes would generally be hesitant to work for a company that has no track record, or one that looks promising but risky. They prefer an employer that seems to have time-tested staying power. Ironically, however, when Sixes feel uncertain about…

DARING TO FOLLOW YOUR HEART   Sixes tend to err on the side of caution, thus missing many possibilities for self-development and fulfillment. In your Inner Work Journal, record any examples of times in your life when you let significant opportunities for growth and challenge pass you by. Why did you decide to let them go? Would belief in your own abilities have changed the outcome? Recall some times when you did fly against common sense and took a chance. We are not referring to impulsive acting out but rather to those times when you consciously chose to stretch yourself. What was the outcome? How did you feel at the…

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The Social Role: The Stalwart   Average Sixes want to reinforce their support system, to strengthen their alliances and/or their position with authorities. To that end, they invest most of their time and energy in the commitments they have made, hoping that their sacrifices will pay off in increased security and mutual support. Similarly, as a defense against growing anxiety or…

Sixes tirelessly volunteer themselves to be “the responsible one.” They put in long hours working to ensure that the relationship or job or belief that they have invested in will continue to thrive and support them. This inevitably raises questions in their doubting minds: Are they being taken advantage of? Do others want them around only because of their hard work and dependability? Would they still be wanted if they…

Sixes would like a guarantee that if they do all they are supposed to do, then God (or the company, or their family) will take care of them. They believe that if they and their allies manage their environment well enough, then all unpredictable and potentially dangerous events will be avoided or controlled. But countries rise and fall, and even the largest corporations go out of business or have cycles of growth and recession. There is…

WHAT SUPPORTS YOU?   Examine the “social security” systems you have created in your own life. Have they really made you more secure? What have they cost you? What would you do without one of them? Beyond these investments of your time and energy, consider all the different ways that your life is supported…

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Fear, Anxiety, and Doubt   While not one of the classic seven “Capital Sins,” fear has been assigned as the “Passion” (or underlying emotional distortion) of the Six, since the root of so much of Type Six’s behavior is based on insecurity and reactions to fear. Sixes’ fear can be seen in worry about their security and about potential future problems, but also in chronic self-doubt and anxieties about others. Although Sixes can appear on the surface to be extremely friendly and people-oriented, they often harbor deep fears that others will abandon them, reject them, or harm them. They fear that they will make some mistake that will ruin their relationships and…

“I get anxious and then look for reasons why…

Unlike other types who repress (or at least distract themselves from) their fears and anxieties, Sixes seem to be constantly conscious of them. Sometimes they are energized by their fears, but more often than not, they are confused, enervated, and unnerved by them. However, they may not…

Sixes learn to cope with fear either by reacting with it or against it. Some Sixes express themselves more aggressively, while others are more visibly timid. This is not to say that there are two kinds of Sixes; rather, we see that some Sixes express themselves counterphobically more often than others and that much of this probably comes from superego messages learned in childhood. Some Sixes were instructed to be tough and found that they could protect themselves by being relatively aggressive. Other Sixes were taught to avoid trouble and turn the other cheek.

Of course, in most Sixes these two tendencies coexist, alternately taking the upper hand, as Connie knows very well.   I feel like a frightened rabbit that doesn’t know which way to go. I need to find the courage to move. On the other hand, when there is a crisis, I function very well. No fear there. When my loved ones are attacked, watch out! I just put myself on automatic, and off I go to defend and rescue anyone who needs me. But taking the lead or taking responsibility for other people where I have to think and stay in my head just brings up panic.

EXPLORING ANXIETY   In your Inner Work Journal, can you list ten or more instances or areas where fear, anxiety, or doubt habitually show up? Can you identify particular times, people, places, or other triggers that get you revved up with anxiety and tension? While there is clearly a negative component to these states, can you also discern a positive payoff that you might also unwittingly be seeking—such as gaining sympathy from others, or their protection? How do you complain or…

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Seeking Support for Independence   Although Sixes want to feel supported by others, they do not want to feel engulfed by anyone, and it feels uncomfortable when someone starts to overwhelm them with too much attention or closeness. They want distance from others, while still knowing that others are there for them.   “One hand washes the other.”   Paradoxically, they run the risk of becoming dependent on someone to become independent. They may be like a girl who, desperate to leave an oppressive home, marries a controlling and possessive man. Anxiety often makes them jump too fast into an apparent solution, like the entrepreneur who quits his job to start his own business, only to feel even more oppressed by demanding investors or government regulations with which he must contend. The irony is that the more insecure and lacking confidence they are, the more Sixes rely on external support, and the more they lose their independence. If their self-confidence is severely damaged, their dependency on a…

UNDOING “AMNESIA OF SUCCESS”   You are much more capable than you realize. Everyone needs assistance and support from time to time, but you sometimes undervalue your contribution to the support of others. Take a moment to list the ways that you have supported significant people in your life. Then make a list of ways that you have supported yourself. In this second list, make sure to include important accomplishments that made…

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Looking for Answers   Because they do not feel they can trust their own inner guidance, Sixes often look for answers in ideas and insights first propounded by others. Sixes do not just jump on the bandwagon, however; they will subject these ideas to scrutiny and testing and eventually may replace them with yet other ideas. More insecure Sixes will tend to simply accept the ideas of others, but even in this case, they can also resist and question them aggressively. Either way, their natural response is first to look outside of themselves for something to believe, and if that fails,…

In general, Sixes tend to be mistrustful of authority until they are reassured that the authority is benevolent and “knows what he’s talking about.” Once Sixes feel that they have found a “good” authority, however, they strongly identify with it and internalize its values and teachings. (If the boss likes them, it makes them feel great. If they discover a new mentor who seems wise and helpful, they are elated. If they find a political system or leader who seems trustworthy, they can get involved in a very big way.) But Sixes are never…

“There is nothing easy about becoming conscious. My own life was much easier before I knew about the deeper meaning of choice, the power of choice that accompanies taking responsibility. Abdicating responsibility to an outside source can seem, at least for the moment, so much easier. Once you know…

Sixes often attempt to solve the problem of finding the “right” answers by aligning themselves with multiple authorities and systems. They may believe in a religious affiliation, have strong political convictions, listen to the opinions of their spouses, take lessons from their fitness trainer, and read self-help books for further advice. If these different messages and teachings conflict, Sixes are right back where they started—uncomfortably trying to make up their own minds. Thus, Sixes are cautious and skeptical about taking on new beliefs or relationships. This is because Sixes are aware of the intensity of their commitment, once made, and want to avoid making a mistake. Should Sixes have any reason to suspect their authority of being unjust or unwise, their feelings of doubt can blossom quickly into rebellion or…

QUESTIONING THE ROOTS OF YOUR BELIEFS   What are the foundations of your belief-system? Are these based on your own experiences or on the authority of trusted friends, mentors, books, or teachings? How…

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Sixes dislike having too many options. They feel more confident in situations with well-defined procedures, guidelines, and rules, such as the legal profession, or accounting, or academia. When the demands on them are clear, however, they can be highly effective at creating structure and organization—often serving as the head of a group or corporation that governs by consensus. Not all Sixes are comfortable in organizations, however, given their suspicion of authority. Many Sixes find a great deal of flexibility and creativity within the security of known boundaries. For them, it is no more restrictive to play within the rules of an organization than it is to play tennis with the net up or to read a book starting at the beginning. As far as they are concerned, things have a natural order, and they are usually content to work within it—as long as they also retain some choice about whether to ignore it. (They may never exercise this choice, but they still want to know that it is there.) Even artists, writers, therapists, and other creative individuals who are Sixes like working with established…

TRUSTING YOUR OWN INNER KNOWING   Watch for times in which you or someone else has a question about what to do in a situation. For example, there might be a question about how to approach a problem at work, or a friend might come to you for advice about a marriage. Notice how you approach the problem. Do you rely on precedents? (“The company policy on that is …” or “The spiritual teaching that I’ve learned says …”) Or do you turn to your own intelligence—especially the intelligence of your heart and instincts?

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Overcommitment and “Covering All the Bases”   Sixes try to fulfill their commitments to many different people and situations, but inevitably they find it impossible to satisfy everyone. Then they become like the Little Dutch Boy who has to put his fingers in all the holes to keep the dike from leaking. They become overextended and often feel taken advantage of. For example, a Six at the office might hear from his spouse that she has made dinner reservations at a fine restaurant—“just for us”—on Friday night. The Six, wanting to reinforce the security he derives from his marriage, agrees and looks forward to a pleasant evening. At about this point, his boss comes in and, knowing the Six to be a reliable and persevering worker, asks if he can stay late on Friday night to meet a Monday morning deadline. Not wanting to disappoint—or get in trouble with the boss—the Six agrees to stay later, while beginning to fearfully figure out what to tell his wife. Later that afternoon, his best friend calls to remind him of their date—made the previous week—for a card game on Friday night. The Six is now in a quandary. Because he has overcommitted himself—trying to cover all the bases—he cannot help but disappoint someone.   “Damned if I do, and damned if I don’t.”   The Six will be racked with fear that others will get angry with him, although he may not actually check to see if this is the case. No matter, the Six’s anxious mind will fill in the gaps with fearful projections and imagined complaints and tirades. He feels pressured—“damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.” He becomes irritated that others expect too much from him; he cannot possibly do everything they want!

BEING THERE FOR EVERYONE   Look for areas in your life where you have tended to overcommit yourself. What was your motivation for doing so? What prevented you from saying no when you were overbooked? What was…

• Ejercicio para 6

The Inner Committee   While Ones have a powerful inner critic in their heads, Sixes have an inner committee. Sixes often check in with them, imagining what their response would be to a given situation. (“Gee, I don’t know if I should take this job. What would Julie say? She’d definitely be for it, but Dad would really disapprove. On the other hand, that self-help book said …”) Thus, when they have to make a decision, Sixes will feel caught between various internal voices arguing for different positions and responsibilities. Sometimes the loudest internal voice will win out; at other times, there is a deadlock and procrastination. Sixes may find themselves unable to come to any closure or final decision because they cannot stop second-guessing themselves. As a result, Sixes often feel indecisive. Although they may feel strongly about things, they are not certain that they know the best course of action to take. Every choice brings the deliberations of the inner committee, which can lead Sixes around and around in circles. On the other hand, in highly significant matters (such as where to live or which religion to believe in), Sixes usually have strong opinions and can be rather inflexible because they have settled their doubts sometime in the past and have come to a conclusion to which they then…

FIRING THE INNER COMMITTEE   Are you aware of your inner committee? Who sits on it? In the past, when you’ve tried to imagine the responses of your allies and authorities, have their…

Vigilance, Suspicion, and Catastrophizing   Because of their feelings of being unsupported, Sixes develop an extraordinary sensitivity to danger signals. This is even truer if they grew up in an environment that was unsafe or unstable, or if they were traumatized in some way. While this kind of awareness can be an asset and can even save a person’s life, many Sixes remain hyper-alert and hyper-vigilant even when no danger is present. They can never relax, never feel safe. Their eyes dart about nervously, scanning their surroundings for potential threats or problems. (Many Sixes have reported being aware of where the exits are in any room they are occupying and what stands between them and the exit.) This relationship with the world is extremely stressful and over time can even change their brain chemistry. Further, it begins to shape their imaginations, resulting in a constant expectation of mishap or danger.

Average Sixes can also become very pessimistic and sour. They may have extremely low self-esteem and “amnesia” about their past successes and accomplishments. It is as if nothing in their past can convince them that they will be able to deal effectively with the problems at hand—and they see problems in every direction.

Sixes feel that any small mishap could be their undoing. They make mountains out of molehills and can be relied on to come up with all of the reasons why a project or endeavor will not work. Naturally, this can affect their attitudes at work, but it also affects their personal relationships. Slight misunderstandings or differences of opinion can indicate to the Six that she is facing imminent abandonment, or that her friends and supporters have turned against her. Left unchecked, this tendency can undermine significant relationships, or trigger paranoid responses to what they perceive as injustices directed at themselves.

OVERCOMING PESSIMISM   Learn to discern real dangers from potential ones. How often do you expect bad outcomes? Do you have trouble believing that things will work out? Do you choose to think about problems or is it a reflex? While anticipating future problems may have some usefulness, it more generally leads you away from dealing with the reality of here and now—the one place you can find the steadiness and guidance to move into the next moment.

• Ejercicio para 6

In the adult world, Sixes more commonly discharge their anxieties by complaining to third parties about the people with whom they are frustrated. For many Sixes, the dinner table at home is the favorite place to vent about disappointments at work or to let off steam about someone’s incompetence. Similar activities occur around coffee machines at the office or at bars after hours. Simply put, Sixes feel put-upon and victimized and frequently fall into the habit of complaining without taking any definite action that would change the situation. Over time, this begins to heighten their self-image of being victims, often leading to paranoia and the destructive modes of “problem-solving” we find in the unhealthy range.

WHY IS EVERYBODY MESSING UP MY LIFE?   How many of your conversations involve complaining? About your job, relationships, children, parents, sports team, politics, town, or even the weather? When you are complaining about a person, have you discussed this matter fully with that person? Who or what are you blaming for the problems in your life?

• Ejercicio para 6

REACTING TO STRESS: SIX GOES TO THREE   As we have seen, Sixes tirelessly invest their time and energy in their “security systems.” When stress increases beyond their normal ability to cope, Sixes may go to Three and become even more driven and potentially workaholic. They also make additional efforts to fit in, adapting themselves to their surroundings and striving to be exemplary enough to maintain their social and financial position. Thus, Sixes at Three become more image-conscious, developing the right look, gestures, jargon, and attitude to be acceptable to their peers. They hope in this way to win people over and avoid rejection. However, others often notice the forced quality of their friendliness or professionalism, leading them to wonder what Sixes are really up to. Like Threes, Sixes can become competitive, although usually through identification with groups or beliefs (a favorite football team, their company, school, nationality, or religion). They may also become boastful and self-promoting, adopting condescending attitudes, dismissing others, and hyping their own…

THE RED FLAG: THE SIX IN TROUBLE   WARNING SIGNS   POTENTIAL PATHOLOGY: Paranoid, Dependent, and Borderline Personality Disorders, Dissociative Disorders, and passive-aggressive behaviors, intense anxiety attacks.   Intense anxiety and panic attacks   Acute inferiority feelings and chronic depression   Constant fear of losing support from others   Alternating dependency and impulsive displays of defiance   Keeping “bad company” and attachments to abusive relationships   Extreme suspiciousness and paranoia   Hysterical lashing-out at perceived enemies   If Sixes are overstressed for an extended period of time, if they have suffered a serious crisis without adequate support or coping skills, or if they have suffered from chronic abuse in childhood, they may cross the shock point into the unhealthy range of their type. This may lead them to a fearful recognition that their own belligerent actions or defensive reactions are actually harming their security. If Sixes can recognize the truth in these fears, they may begin to turn their life around and move toward health and liberation. On the other hand, they may become even more panicky and reactive: “I’ll do anything for you! Don’t leave me!” or, at the other extreme, “…

Notice how much time you spend trying to figure out how to handle possible future problems. In reality, how often do these imagined events come to pass? Also notice how this mental activity actually makes you less effective at dealing with the challenges at hand. If you are worrying and obsessing about a meeting you will have tomorrow or next week, you are far more likely to forget an important phone call—or even overlook a real danger signal. Quieting the mind through disciplined meditation practices, especially those that focus…

You tend to have difficulty enjoying those moments when you achieve your objectives without immediately launching into your next round of anxieties—even worrying about how others might resent your accomplishment! When you achieve a goal, large or small, stop long enough to relax, breathe, and savor the moment. Take in the impression of your competence. Remember this impression. This feeling will help you see the ways in which you consistently…

Get in the practice of noticing what you trust and how you come to decisions. Notice especially the procedures or allies you automatically turn to when you are unsure of yourself. Why do you feel that others will know better what to do than you do? Also notice your anger and rejection of them when it is clear that they do not have the answers you seek. You can avoid these situations by turning more to what your heart and instincts are telling you in the moment. Many internal voices may clamor, but understand what they are—fearful aspects of your imagination and your…

While you want to be there in a responsible way for everyone else in your life, you tend to shortchange yourself by not believing that your own self-development is worth the trouble. This can be exacerbated by fears of change—of moving into the unknown. Take risks, especially when it comes to moving out of familiar, safe patterns. Having a therapist that you trust or a spiritual group that you work with can be invaluable for creating the kind of support you need to explore difficult…

Seek out diversity and variety. Sure, you like cheeseburgers, but maybe you could try the chicken sandwich. You love basketball, but perhaps you could also find another sport or activity interesting. The same is true with your choice of acquaintances. By sometimes interacting with people from very different backgrounds and perspectives, you will learn more about yourself and the world. All of this, far from being…

Learn to cultivate quiet time for yourself. By this, we do not mean sitting around in front of a TV for hours, but time in which you get to be with yourself in a simple way. You benefit greatly from contact with nature. Take walks, garden, swim, meditate—and above all, do not use these times to worry, fret, and strategize about your work and relationships. They are times for you to become more comfortable with Being. Getting in greater contact…

Healthy Sixes are endowed with tremendous endurance and achieve their objectives through steady and persistent efforts. Less flashy than some of the other types, they believe in the adage “Success is 10 percent inspiration and 90 percent perspiration.” They give careful attention to details and tend to approach problems carefully and methodically. They organize resources, prioritize tasks, and see projects through, feeling that their personal value rests on their reliability and on the quality of the work…

Because of their underlying vigilance and sensitivity to danger signals, Sixes also foresee problems and can “head them off at the pass.” They are natural troubleshooters and often save themselves, their families, or their companies many headaches by spotting irregularities or potential problems. They like to stay on top of things so that their world runs as…

Sixes are outstanding in their ability to work for a common good without needing to be stars. Sixes ask what needs to be done and then do it, with a sense of being part of something that transcends their personal interests. They teach us all about the benefits and joys of commitment, cooperation, and service. Healthy Sixes are great believers in the age-old observation that people acting with a common purpose can accomplish more than anyone acting alone, particularly in situations where people need to band together to survive—to produce food or clothing, to build a house, to improve communities or working conditions, or to defend a city or a country.

While high-functioning Sixes are deeply loyal and committed to others, they are also committed to learning more about themselves. In the process, they often find rich and unsuspected talent for creativity and self-expression. Committing to their own development helps Sixes build strong self-esteem and see themselves as the equal of others—equally competent, equally worthy of respect and rewards, equally able to take responsibility and to hold their own in all areas of life.

High-functioning Sixes are self-confident and self-affirming because they have learned to recognize and trust their own inner guidance. Their faith in themselves often manifests as outstanding courage and leadership. They lead from a deep understanding of people’s insecurities and frailties, and others respond to them, seeing their sincerity and willingness to be honest about their own weaknesses. They nurture an egalitarian spirit, a sense that there really are no leaders and followers, just different people with different talents finding ways to combine them for a common good. This desire to engage, to find common ground, and to work for everyone’s mutual safety and benefit is a gift that our species needs for survival.

Sixes become actualized and remain healthy by becoming balanced in their instincts and grounded in their bodies like healthy Nines. For Sixes to find the stability they seek, they need to turn to the steady support of their physical presence: to get grounded in the here-and-now. Many Sixes are active, even athletic, but this is not the same thing as being in contact with the moment-to-moment sensations of the body. Attending to the immediacy of their sensory impressions acts as a counterbalance to the Six’s nonstop thinking and gives them something else to identify with.

At first, centering themselves in their physical sensations may produce feelings of panic or dread, particularly if Sixes have suffered trauma in their past. It is not uncommon for Sixes from abusive backgrounds to begin to tremble as they occupy their bodies more completely. At such times, it is important for Sixes to realize that such physical reactions are the body’s way of processing old fears and hurts and are not necessarily indications of present danger. If Sixes are able to sense themselves and their anxious feelings without reacting to them, they begin to come into a more open and trusting experience of life.

From this position of grounded openness, Sixes are able to recognize the common bonds they share with all of humanity. They feel inclusive and accepting of others, regardless of whether their views or lifestyles are familiar to them. They are filled with courage that is not a counter-phobic reaction to fear but is an actual force in and of itself. Their courage arises from a feeling of real inner solidity and of profound connection with themselves and with all living things. Thus, integrating Sixes, like healthy Nines, can approach tremendous challenges and even tragedies or threats with inner balance and equanimity.

“When eating a fruit, think of the person who planted the tree.” VIETNAMESE SAYING

The “wrong turn” that Sixes take is to use their fearful and doubting ego minds to figure out where reliable guidance and support can be found. Ironically, the more they question and strategize, the less secure they feel. Rather than give them the security they seek, being identified with their anxious thoughts makes Sixes feel small, helpless, and without direction. Only by seeing through their fearful thinking patterns can Sixes begin to reconnect with their Essential nature. When they do so, they rediscover their own inner authority, and they begin to recognize that the support they have been seeking is everywhere and always available.

Jenny, a therapist in her fifties who had recently undergone a mastectomy, beautifully expresses this transformation.   I believe I became my own authority with my mastectomy experience. I was able to take in love from my family and friends. It never felt safe before. What a beautiful gift! I had to be my own authority because my survival was at stake and no one really knows what is best for me except me! I feel wonderful when I allow myself to feel healthy! Recently I have been focusing my attention on growing flowers as opposed to pulling weeds all the time. My “inner voices”—my old superego stuff—just keep me in the weeds.

Sixes achieve transformation by confronting their Basic Fear of being without support and guidance. As they do so, they begin to experience a vast, empty inner space, and they may sometimes feel as though they are falling into it. If they can tolerate this sensation, this space may change and feel solid or become intensely shiny and luminous—or it could transform itself in numerous ways. Sixes then come to recognize that the inner space they experience is actually the very support they have been looking for. It is free, open, and infinitely wise and patient. When this spaciousness is present, Sixes feel self-reliant, courageous, and brilliantly intelligent—in short, all of the qualities they have been looking for.

“You cannot depend on anybody. There is no guide, teacher, no authority. There is only you—your relationship with others and with the world—there is nothing else.” KRISHNAMURTI

This is the real meaning of faith, their particular Essential quality. Faith is not belief, but a real, immediate knowing that comes from experience. Faith without experience is belief. Faith with experience brings reliable guidance. Much of the personality of Sixes can be seen as an effort to imitate or recreate faith in terms of beliefs, and to find a substitute for the certainty that they are already secure as an expression of the Divine. When Essence emerges, however, Sixes have a certainty that they are grounded in Being in a way that is immutable and absolute. Being supports them because they are part of it: their own existence has Being because it cannot not have Being.